My other half tells me regularly he keeps me around for the entertainment value. Every day, so he says, is a whole new world, living with me. I do my best to change out my slapstick routine as often as possible, because watching a grown woman fall over the open dishwasher door which is in the same location since its original installation, or observe her perform a well choreographed two-step at 2 a.m. with the vacuum she forgot to put away before going to bed can wear thin on a man after ten years. Smile.
Coordination certainly has never been my strong suit, and actually not even so much as a pair of dress pants. I can remember my mother cautioning me when I held anything that could possibly spill, break, or ignite lest I take the house down to the ground in one clumsy move. Shrinks might pipe in here and say that if you predict your children will be one way or another it will, in the end, be who they are. In defense of my mother I think it was more self-preservation on her part having lived with me up until that point and seen the potential hazards of doing just that. Perils of Pauline had nothing on my life. Fortunately, as I’ve aged I’ve left most of the day to day things behind me but to my other half’s delight I still keep him entertained on a lessor level day to day.
As we are moving, I sat down last week and ordered several boxes of the vacuum bags that you see advertised on TV. You know, the ones that flatten a large fluffy pillow down to the size of a piece of writing paper. We seem to have accumulated an inordinate amount of bedding, etc. over the years as well as clothes, so it seemed to be the ideal solution to shrinking our load.
Typically the boxes arrived and when opened had no instructions enclosed. Not that it appeared to be brain surgery, but it would have been nice to have some idea how it worked. After cogitating on this while doing other things around the house, it occurred to me, for obscure some reason (I have no clue how to explain the workings of my mind. Maybe when I colored by hair blonde back in the eighties it effected my IQ.) that I would have to figure out how to reverse the flow of air from the vacuum in order for this to work. Confidently I walked into the living room and asked my other half how to make this happen. After realizing that I was serious about this, he started to laugh. Then he got to laughing to such a point that I felt I should check beneath him as most probably he had left an egg there. Really? Yes, yes I realize now in order to work it has to suck, as vacuums do naturally, not the other way around. I feel I will never hear the end of this.
The rest of the day was spent deflecting “Susie jokes” where he would hold up common household tools like a potato peeler and use them incorrectly, put his reading glasses on backwards and ask me why they wouldn’t work. Funny, funny, man.
Once when first living with my ex-husband I had a situation with a quilt his grandmother had made for him. It was a lovely quilt in perfect condition. Each identically sized square contained a geometric design beautifully hand-stitched in a pallet of fall colors. Large enough for a king sized bed, I decided it would be a shame not to use it when the cooler weather moved in.
Coming home from work, and doing as he habitually did heading for the bedroom to change his work clothes, he immediately noticed the lovely quilt on the bed. Changed, he came into the kitchen and commented that it looked great but I had put it on the wrong way. Now to my eye it looked square and symetrical any way you put in on. Insisting that I was not seeing it, and believing that he was seeing something I did not I adjusted the quilt and he was happy. The following week when I changed the sheets, I was again faced with the quilt dilemma. After adjusting it several times I was satisfied I had it on the right way. Sure enough, once again he came home and pointed out it was wrong. Struggle as I could, I could not see what he was seeing but I diligently rearranged it and voila. He let me do this for several months until he couldn’t stand it any more and started laughing. Very funny. He’s lucky I didn’t use it to wrap his lifeless body in before disposing of it.
I know you may not believe it, but I believe myself not to be without intelligent thought, but sometimes I don’t think, I just do. My body it seems is usually running at full speed with the rest of me scurrying along behind trying to catch up.
Perhaps that puts me in league with our past presidents, who, in truth have put their idiotic statements and actions right out there for public scrutiny.
Gerald Ford, besides giving me a run for my money in the coordination category being a danger to society with a grip on his golf club, said “If Lincoln was alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”
Bill Clinton added his money to the pot with, “You know the one thing that’s wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.”
Exploring further back, Calvin Coolidge is quoted with saying “When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results.”
Not to omit my personal favorite contributed by Richard M. Nixon, ” I was under medication when I decided not to burn the tapes.”
Last but not least Jimmy Carter saying, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes that I will do – and I have done it – and God forgives me for it.” This must make Rosalind sleep well at night, and I hope God will be pleased he’s doing a good job.
One thing I have noticed through the years is if I am going to do something incredibly stupid, somebody will be standing right at my elbow recording all the details. Might I mention with regards to my other half that I handed him a small package of soy sauce (not a brain test) for his Chinese food last week and I’m still cleaning it off the upholstery, his shirt, and the pillow cases. Oh, and fair warning you continue to tease me about the vacuum bags you might want to consider employing a food taster in the future.
These were the best. I liked doing them in the oven and not having to deal with the mess, and the added calories of frying. We ate them all and it was fun putting them in the glass coffee mugs to serve. I would suggest you double this recipe as this worked for the two of us and we could have eaten more. This makes one large cookie sheet for the four zucchini.
Cheesy Baked Zucchini Fries
1 cup Italian bread crumbs
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. Lawry’s lemon pepper
1/3 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper to taste
Ranch dressing for dipping
Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Cover large cookie sheet with tin foil and spray well with cooking spray.
Trim and slice zucchini in half lengthwise. Cut 1/2-3/4″ thin lengthwise slices off each half eliminating the outside slice that is all peel.
Cut into French fry size slices.
Mix together bread crumbs, grated Parmesan cheese, garlic powder, and lemon pepper. Place in shallow dish.
In another shallow dish beat eggs until frothy.
Place “fries” in egg mixture first allowing excess to drip off, then in bread crumb mixture. Line up on prepared pan. Sprinkle with shredded Parmesan cheese.
Bake for 12 mins. Carefully turn fries with spatula. Cook for an additional 12 mins. until brown and crunchy. Salt and pepper to taste.
Serve with ranch dressing for dipping.