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Posts Tagged ‘moving on;’

I hate to say this but I suspect my cat is tired of looking at my face. Since I’ve been sequestered at home, the loving gazes she used to welcome me with after a long day in the trenches have recently been replaced by toothy yawns. Aside from needing a definite attitude adjustment, the treat situation has gotten out of hand as well. Used to be PP (pre-pandemic) treats were given out once a day. The cat, a true creature of habit, showed up around 3:00 each afternoon on the little lemon carpet for her chicken snacks. Lately she seems to be appearing on the hour and has added meowing to her cutest cat ever routine she normally performs when expecting to be served.  I mentioned to her yesterday her girlish figure was beginning get a bit blurry around the edges but as usual she tuned in with only one eye open.

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I went to the doctor Friday for a follow-up on an oxygen test I had several months ago. This was precipitated by the fact my asthma was not well managed and they wanted to monitor how I was oxygenating while asleep. To be honest, sleep is something that toys with me of late. Some nights I’ll manage to pack in a good 8-9 hours but more often than not I am enjoying my first cup of coffee around 3 a.m. and have put in half a days work by the time the sun comes up. Most annoying. I’m a little hesitant about taking a sleep aid. Being a rather small being, medication often overtakes me delivering a strong impact to my body. Since the cat has never mastered calling 9-1-1, I don’t like to introduce something new to my routine while here on my own.

When Rick was alive he slept with a C-Pap. Often it was like sleeping next to an extra from Star Wars but if it had helped his heart and kept him breathing properly, I wouldn’t have cared if he had a diving helmet on when I kissed him goodnight. Seriously hope this isn’t in my future as well, but if that’s the worst thing I have to look forward to I’ll say “thank you” ahead of time. The tech asked me if I snored. Again, I deferred to the cat but she’s not talking. I suggested I could stay awake and see if I hear any sounds emanating from my nostrils. She didn’t seem to find that as amusing as I did. Ah well, everyone’s a critic.

Yesterday was Saturday so visited my mother. The visits these days sometimes leave me feeling a bit sad. Our communication has become more limited, as I have mentioned, due to the dementia exacting a firmer grip on her thought processes and the window we must keep between us due to Covid-19. Always though when I arrive she says, “there’s my daughter”, and before I leave, “I love you, dear”. These two statements are more than enough for me. Most of friends call her Mom because I am the only member of my peer group who still has someone to send a Mother’s Day card to. For this I am immensely blessed and happy to share the wealth with those closest to me.

It says August on the calendar today. Where did the summer go? Not that I’m going to be sad when the air conditioner goes off and the windows are opened to allow in some natural ventilation. Having allergies, most of the hot months my windows remain closed and I must defer to my A/C unit for cooling. Being a fall person at heart, I won’t mourn the hot weather moving on to allow room for crisp autumn days to reveal themselves. Born in November, I am a fall baby and fall is without fail my favorite season of the year.  What a show off fall is with all it’s glorious colors and lovely sunsets. Already I am dusting off my pumpkins and primping my ghosts and goblins in anticipation of the golden months (for me at least) to make their arrival.

I sold my old dining room table yesterday as well. That turned out to be somewhat of a project. I listed it on Craigslist as well as a local marketplace on Facebook. Wasn’t prepared for the stampede of people who showed up. I try, when I sell something, to be as fair as possible. Whoever shows up first is the first person to see the item, and if they make a reasonable offer, the first offer considered. Today, however was kind of weird. The first person wanted pictures of the undercarriage of the table. Fine, done and done. Then she said she was shopping for a friend and would have to send her friend the pics. Okie. Then people started coming in on both sites asking for additional measurements, color of wood, age of set. I began to have to remember in what order people had come in after two or three exchanges of information. Whoa. This is why I would never have made a good cocktail waitress. The first time a customer said “another round” I would have thrown in my apron and gone home.

To add to the confusion people can be a bit flakey when dealing with you “unseen”. They say they are coming and don’t show up or contact you for a lot of additional information which you provide and they have moved on to something else and never reach out to you again. I’ve had enough experience selling on line (I sold on EBAY for several years) to have seen about everything. Then you get the scammers. Two came in this time. Usually you can identify them quickly because their command of the English language leaves something to be desired and always they are out of town but will send a check. Delete. Once my son-in-law was trying to rent a house on Craigslist. The ad read lovely house overlooking a lake (which it was) available for rent $1800/month and $2000 deposit. He drove by the house and loved it so contacted the supposed owner via email. The “owner” said he was living in Nigeria but would mail the key once he received the deposit. Hello? Anybody out there? Rick and I decided to drive by and see this place after dinner We found lights on and people could be seen sitting around a dinner table inside. Deciding to investigate we knocked on the door, apologized for interrupting their meal, and explained the situation. Turned out they owned the house and we were the fifth people to ask about renting it. Wonder how many deposits they got before pulling the ad? It is sad there are humans who pray on other humans but that seems always to be the case. Thankfully like everything in nature there are kind, generous, thoughtful people to keep the scale balanced.

Anyhow, the old table is gone and a large empty space is glaring at me in my dining room. Surprisingly, tears rolled down my cheeks as I took in the vacant space. Memories go with that table. Family dinners were held there and it holds the laughter enjoyed over holidays or when family and friends coming for dinner. Change isn’t always easy, but I think sometimes you have to fling open the doors and let the moths out of the closets to keep things from getting stagnant. Life, as I know very well, never stays the same forever. Always we are in a state of flux. I try to roll with the waves and not rail against them. The new table arrives next week. I will welcome it and make new memories for it to store for me.

While in the mood to rearrange, probably the pandemic blues, I also got rid of a huge dresser in my second bedroom which housed a lot of photos, and miscellaneous items like office supplies, linens, party supplies and some clothes. I ordered two wall units with doors to replace the needed storage area. The units were to arrive last night. I noticed there hadn’t been any forward progress on tracking so I called the number on the website and they contacted their supplier. Shortly I got an email from the supplier saying my items were on the truck but would be arriving late last night. Great. Got up this morning and there was nothing on my front porch other than two chairs and my neighbor’s cat. Fine. Once again I called the number on the website and the lady asked me what I wanted to do. I replied, “I want the truck to drive up and deliver my wall units but that doesn’t seem to be happening.” She emailed the supplier once again and this time I got no response which I’m assuming is because it is the weekend. I don’t know. Perhaps I have  bad customer service karma. Maybe in another life I was rude to shop keepers, put rotten peaches in the pies I sold at the marketplace, or stole pickles from the jar at the corner deli. Very frustrating. Sooooo, I have stuff all over my floor in the spare room and no where to put it.  I think I need a bag of Double Stuff Oreos. No, I know I need a bag of Double Stuff Oreos. Be back in an hour, maybe thirty minutes depending on how much milk is in the fridge. Ach.

Ahhhhh, much better. Chocolate really is the cure for almost everything. It is blessedly cooler out today so that will be a lovely break from the persistent heat of the last few weeks. Perhaps I can even get outside for a walk and look at something besides the inside which is my view of the day lately. This is a birthday month for both my son and several friends so I do have to spend some time on the computer finding an appropriate gift. I will hope, unlike my storage units, they will arrive on time or at the very least, arrive. I work on actually spending time researching gifts for my loved ones. The money tree in my back yard isn’t producing as well as it did when I was working full time so when I pick a few leaves I want to make sure it is well spent.

I hope your Sunday finds you well and engaged in something that brings you joy. Until later. Signing off to finish my Oreos.

 

 

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Well here I am standing at the year mark since Rick passed away. Seems impossible at times to realize 365 days have passed, yet on particularly difficult days it can feel like so many more. Much has happened, so many changes have taken place. Sometimes when I see my reflection in the mirror it’s as if the outlines of my face have altered and shifted, as though I am still asleep and dreaming.

Was I to encapsulate the first year I would say grief has a way of defining you in those early days. Caught up in a whirlwind of emotions you soar up into the clouds then catapult down over mountains of memories assaulting your mind and clawing at your heart. Then slowly, ever so slowly, the storm subsides. Like the morning after a heavy rain, there is a gentle stillness as the earth absorbs the nourishing water, and animals hesitantly peek out from their dens to see what the day is to bring. Your tears begin to diminish, feelings return to a more tolerable level. Life, once again, begins to stir beneath the surface.

People say odd things to you after someone dies, sometimes insensitive. “Time heals all things”, “he’s in a better place now”, “it was his time”. In retrospect I do not believe they do this out of a lack of empathy, but rather they really do not know what to say. Even though as human beings we are beginning to die with the second breath we take, we still haven’t come to terms with dealing with it. To begin with death remains a mystery. No one, at least as far as I know other than Christ, if this is your belief, has returned to tell us about it since time began. That alone might make it the biggest mystery on earth even than discovering what lies beyond the universe, and don’t even get me started on that.

Even as we avoid death we are drawn to the subject. Stories meant to scare and excite us are often centered around the afterlife. Dracula, zombies, Frankenstein, poltergeist, and on and on and on. Edgar Allen Poe wrote about death as a rule, not an exception. The House of Usher, about a woman entombed while still alive, kept me up for weeks  in high school after I chose it out of the assigned reading list in English. Dark tales of people rising up from the grave or the undead feeding on the hapless townspeople captivate television and movie audiences. The ancient Egyptians erected the great pyramids as an homage to their deceased rulers, going so far as to entomb live servants and pets with their dead masters to accompany them on their journey.

Where do our souls travel when our bodies wear out? Will we join our loved ones when our time here is through? As with many unknowns in our world, these questions linger unanswered as one century folds into the next.

For me, I am struggling to recreate myself as a single woman of a certain age once again. Not that I haven’t been single before, one cannot be married four times and not find themselves single at one time or another. This is the first time, however, I have been totally on my own without the responsibility of children living at home or a roommate to fill a bed in another room. Just me and Miss Boo, the Queen of cats, who though fond of me would never let on she actually needs me around.

When a year or so has passed following the death of a loved one people want you to get over feeling the loss and move on. Death makes us uncomfortable I believe because it shines a light on our own fragility or that of our loved ones. So many times lately I’ve been asked if I’m ready to start dating. You cannot replace a loved one like you would a goldfish that had met a soggy end in your fish tank.

The thought of beginning again building a relationship with someone new is daunting at best. To start at the ground floor learning whether he likes blue cheese or ranch, has anchovies on his pizza, prefers jazz to classic rock, or goes to bed early and gets up late or is a night owl nearly makes me break out in a sweat. It takes years to build the foundation of a strong and lasting partnership, some people never achieve it. I wonder at times if I’ve had my time in the sun. Do I have the energy to bring someone new once again into my world? This remains to be seen I would guess. I do not have the ability to peek into the final chapters of my life. Hopefully someone will come along who I can enjoy a meal with, watch a movie next to or do a little traveling alongside.

I have reached a point where the extreme sadness has eased and I treasure the time I shared with Rick. The memories are the gift he leaves behind and the love he gave me unconditionally always believing I could do whatever I set my mind out to accomplish. If he were standing here I would thank him for the twenty years he shared with me. No one can replicate or take that time away.

I will keep my mind open as I move on alone. Should I find myself loving someone again it does not mean I lose Rick but rather gain someone new and totally unique from him. Can you ever welcome too much love in your life? Looking forward I hope to discover more about myself as each day unfolds. Standing on my own isn’t always easy but I am taking one step, one day at a time.

So I begin a new year full of new hopes and dreams praying this year brings some relief from the strain of the three behind it allowing me to find a little peace. There are unconquered hills to climb, new valleys to explore and paths yet untraveled for me to look forward to. Life will never be a flat line. Always you must deal with disappointment, heartache and unrest but they are balanced out by moments of pure joy, genuine happiness and peaceful contentment. In the end it how you react to what is placed in your way that makes the difference in the quality of your life I believe.

You will be missed, dear Rick, while I light a candle on our one year anniversary apart. I love you. Thank you for all the magic moments, silly laughter, intimate shares late at night, and accepting me for who I am without question. May you too have found peace wherever good souls go.

Ending on a light note, I would like to share the wisdom of a 103 year old helping her 107 year old sister celebrate her birthday on a TV news show. When asked what the secret to a long life she wisely answered, “just don’t die”. There you go. Words to live by. Reply

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